At night when she tries to sleep, rivers of tears are flowing down her cheeks, and she seems to find no hope that she will ever manage to stop them. But se does something, something she has done many nights before, she begins to lie to herself. She looks forward, one day far away from today, beyond the dark period of pain that she is in. Then she sees herself as a strong woman with a husband and two children, a happy ending. The tears slowly begin to subside and she continues with her lies. She sees white fence outside her average-sized house with roses by the house walls. She sees a big lawn where the children are running and playing... Slowly, she slips into peaceful sleep. But as soon as she opens her eyes in the morning the feeling comes back. The feeling when she regrets the day before it has even started. It's not be easy to wake in the morning when you know that you had to lie yourself to sleep the night before.
She tries to take a deep breath but it was long ago she has managed to do that, the air gets trapped halfway down to her lugns and she pushes it out in an incomplete sigh. Just as incomplete as his life has become. In a battle against the tears she sits on the edge of her bed and put one foot on the floor. "Yep, the floor is as cold as yesterday - nothing has changed", she thinks, disappointed. Every night she prays for a sign, no matter how small, that the morning will show her that tomorrow will be a better day.. but in vain! She pushes aside her emotions and searches within herself until she finds the robot; the robot that will take her through another day. It was the robot that got up and ate breakfast, put on the clothes, burshed the teeth, made the bed, packed the schoolbag and finally stood before the make-up mirror.
Now was the time for the robot to turn this sad, heartbreaking facial expressions into a shiny, happy girl. The robot began to apply foundation to give color to her pale and too dull complexion, which is the consequence of her heartache and the countless tears that she has cried. Furthermore, the robot goes to put on a little rouge, so that she gets rosy cheeks that makes people not understand that she does not feel anything inside, and that she is actually not blushing at all when someone gives her a compliment. So the black color under the eyes is not visible, the robot puts on eyeliner, both above and below the lashes, for in contrast to the black eyliner the the dark bags under her eyes become barely visible. Finally, the robot extends her lashes with mascara to better conceal the lifeless look in her eyes. The robot takes up the school bag, looks into the mirror and gives himself a false smile. It takes four fake smiles until the robot can find which is the least transparent and opens the door to meet a shining sun in the sky.
"What irony," she thinks to herself. The sun is shining in the sky while her own world is covered with darkness and rain, storms of rain coming from her eyes. When she sees the school she stays up for a while and repeats over and over again in her head that she is happy. When it becomes an impossible task, she lets the robot take over her again. The robot gets to school and is directly attacked by friends, but when the robot can see the friends it presses on a tear out in each eye, and quickly takes them back to get some more brilliance to the eyes, so that she can be a little more convincible in the act that her entire world is not crashing down. ... Another school day has ended, and with yet another excuse why she can not go for coffee the robot goes straight home. The second the legs crosses the threshold the robot disappears and it is only the little girl left again. Relieved to once again have fooled everyone that she is doing well, but devastated that no one has managed to see through her mask. "They all have their own happy life to live, why should anyone care about my pain?", she thought. She kicks the school bag to the corner of her room and throws herself on the bed and says quietly: "Sweet smiles and a little makeup can hide so much these days"!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
She always belonged to someone else
"Be strong, it will be all right," they said. "Do not cry over him, he is not worth your tears," they tried. "I know it's hard now, and I will always be here," they promised ... and disappeared .. And just when she felt like the lonlies person in the wolrd went out and sat on a bench by a playground. She looked at the little children who laughed and chased each other, but a little girl with blond curly hair caught her attention. This little girl climbed on a tree and she felt that something terrible as about to happen to her, before she knew it the girl fell several feet straight down onto the ground and broke her arm. She wanted to run to the little girl but could not move, she wanted to scream but could not make a sound. The second, the girl hit the ground, she felt a lump in his stomach, she saw the little girl scream and cry for her mom.. And she realized that the little girl would go to the hospital, get his arm plastered, get lots of kisses and attention from her mother and within 8 weeks her life would go back to normal. She realized that the little girl's arm, and wounds would heal much faster than her own heart would. She got lost in her thoughts and thought of the period when she was a child, everything was much simpler then. You could fall and scrape your knees and the pain went away the instant that your mother kissed the wound... But you can't really kiss a broken heart.
"Hrrrm" said a voice beside her. She snapped back to reality from his thoughts. She looked around and all the children were gone, the next thing she noticed was that the night was about to fall, and first when she thought of what had taken her down to earth, she looked beside her and saw a middle-aged woman sitting there with dark brown eyes looking anxiously at her. "How are you dear child", she said. It was the first time since the day she decided that no one will see her in pain again that someone had looked through her facade and saw the broken heart. "Good," she said, but felt her voice break on the second letter. The woman wiped away some tears that had begun to slide down her cheeks, only then she realized that she was crying - she hated her tears, her eternal traitors! She could see that the woman was under stress when her own little daughter pulled her by the arm and asked when they would go, so the woman saw deep into her eyes and said with a self-assurance that she had never seen before: "Only a new love can heal a broken heart."
She went to bed that night and for the first time she dreamed not of what once was, about what destroyed her, unusually, she dreamed of nothing at all. But the second she woke up the woman's words echoed in her head. She tried to suppress them, but they made themselves felt again and again for several weeks, when she finally decided that maybe it is time to look forward rather than backwards. She stood before the mirror and whispered to herslef "only a new love can heal a broken heart" .. She took up her phone and phoned the guy who she knew had done everything possible to make her happy and made the decision that he would let her do it.
They started going out and had a lot of fun together, she realized that he is not the whimp that she always thought that he was. He was simply withdrawn, but under the surface, he was a tough guy, yet sensitive enough to talk about his feelings for her. He was everything that she had dreamed of when she was a child. She had even started to laugh, a true laugh again. But one night when she stayed the night at her boyfriend's place, just before sleep time he whispered "I love you" in her ear. She became as rigid as a stick and the same lump in my stomach as she had felt when she realized that this little girl's arm would heal faster than her heart would came back. She pretended to be asleep, and also fell fast asleep.
That night she dreamed that terrible dream, that she had not dreamed for a couple of months now. She woke from the dream and looked down at her boyfriend. She felt tears roll down her cheeks, for the longer she looked at her boyfriend, the more she saw her ex. She looked at his dark hair, it's just like his was. She looked at the beautiful cheekbones that were extra-large when he smiled, and realized that they are the same as her ex's.. Carefully she crept out of the bed, put on her clothes and sneaked out of the house .. She ran straight home and did not stop even to look back until she was safe in her room. She turned the key quickly and let the tears fall.
She thought of all the times she had spent in her boyfriend's arms and felt so safe there, but at the same time she could also feel that it was the place where she least wanted to be. She thought of all those times when they had a pillow fight and how she loved being held down among the pillows and being kissed over her entire body, but some of the kisses felt like an unpleasant shock. She realized no matter how much she wanted to imagine that she loved her boyfriend, it was her ex as she sought in him. The top of her pain came when she decided to break up with her boyfriend the next day because she realized that she always belonged to someone else!
"Hrrrm" said a voice beside her. She snapped back to reality from his thoughts. She looked around and all the children were gone, the next thing she noticed was that the night was about to fall, and first when she thought of what had taken her down to earth, she looked beside her and saw a middle-aged woman sitting there with dark brown eyes looking anxiously at her. "How are you dear child", she said. It was the first time since the day she decided that no one will see her in pain again that someone had looked through her facade and saw the broken heart. "Good," she said, but felt her voice break on the second letter. The woman wiped away some tears that had begun to slide down her cheeks, only then she realized that she was crying - she hated her tears, her eternal traitors! She could see that the woman was under stress when her own little daughter pulled her by the arm and asked when they would go, so the woman saw deep into her eyes and said with a self-assurance that she had never seen before: "Only a new love can heal a broken heart."
She went to bed that night and for the first time she dreamed not of what once was, about what destroyed her, unusually, she dreamed of nothing at all. But the second she woke up the woman's words echoed in her head. She tried to suppress them, but they made themselves felt again and again for several weeks, when she finally decided that maybe it is time to look forward rather than backwards. She stood before the mirror and whispered to herslef "only a new love can heal a broken heart" .. She took up her phone and phoned the guy who she knew had done everything possible to make her happy and made the decision that he would let her do it.
They started going out and had a lot of fun together, she realized that he is not the whimp that she always thought that he was. He was simply withdrawn, but under the surface, he was a tough guy, yet sensitive enough to talk about his feelings for her. He was everything that she had dreamed of when she was a child. She had even started to laugh, a true laugh again. But one night when she stayed the night at her boyfriend's place, just before sleep time he whispered "I love you" in her ear. She became as rigid as a stick and the same lump in my stomach as she had felt when she realized that this little girl's arm would heal faster than her heart would came back. She pretended to be asleep, and also fell fast asleep.
That night she dreamed that terrible dream, that she had not dreamed for a couple of months now. She woke from the dream and looked down at her boyfriend. She felt tears roll down her cheeks, for the longer she looked at her boyfriend, the more she saw her ex. She looked at his dark hair, it's just like his was. She looked at the beautiful cheekbones that were extra-large when he smiled, and realized that they are the same as her ex's.. Carefully she crept out of the bed, put on her clothes and sneaked out of the house .. She ran straight home and did not stop even to look back until she was safe in her room. She turned the key quickly and let the tears fall.
She thought of all the times she had spent in her boyfriend's arms and felt so safe there, but at the same time she could also feel that it was the place where she least wanted to be. She thought of all those times when they had a pillow fight and how she loved being held down among the pillows and being kissed over her entire body, but some of the kisses felt like an unpleasant shock. She realized no matter how much she wanted to imagine that she loved her boyfriend, it was her ex as she sought in him. The top of her pain came when she decided to break up with her boyfriend the next day because she realized that she always belonged to someone else!
Monday, February 1, 2010
This needs...
In the absence of other things to do, I decided to clean the house this afternoon .. It was not a lot of cleaning. First I went into the kitchen and took a look around, everything seemed to be in place; the dishes didn't need washing, the table did not need cleaning, even the kitchen sink did not need to be cleaned. So I went on to the next project: the living room. But even there, I found that the dam did not need dusting, the dirty did not need vacuuming, even the curtains did not need changing. A bit irritated, I went to the place where I know that always needs to be cleaned. With my mouth wide open, I realized that the shower did not need cleaning, the plates did not need polishing, even the shampoos did not need changing.
Half disappointed I lay inmy bed staring at the ceiling, just like I always do when I need to think. My thoughts turned quickly into facts as I, with a lump in my stomach, realized that it is not the physical things that need order, it is my inside that needsto be sorted out a bit. My trust needs replacing and my heart needs fixing!
Half disappointed I lay inmy bed staring at the ceiling, just like I always do when I need to think. My thoughts turned quickly into facts as I, with a lump in my stomach, realized that it is not the physical things that need order, it is my inside that needsto be sorted out a bit. My trust needs replacing and my heart needs fixing!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Twinkle, twinkle little star
Have you ever sat down under the sky, when there were no clouds, and just looked at the stars? Have you ever wondered what starts are and when they started shining? Have you ever thought about the fact that those stars that you see in the sky tonight, the Japanese will se in a couple of months?
What is a star than? A scientific explanation would be that a star is a massive, luminous ball of plasma held together by gravity. That explanation helps my understanding as little as a bag full of stones would help me if I climbed up a mountain. The closest star that we can see from Earth is the sun, but yet it feels so far away. Most stars are between 1 and 10 billion years old, and it is a topic that has been researched as far back as there are traces of life on Earth. People have used this research to create horoscopes, preach religion and as an element to predict the future. But it has also been used to create myths; I'm sure you have heard the expression "wish upon a falling star".
If you now think about that the youngest star is 1 billion years old... That means that the stars have been on the sky before there were even a sign of human trace on Earth. Many times we have felt that we don't have anything in common with people that lived 500 years ago.. Even today some of us mean that we don't have anything in common with people that live in another country or have a different culture than we do. But yes we do have something in common; we have the stars!
So go out one night, why not tonight, and look at the stars. They are the same stars that were there last week, last year, decade... The same stars from when we were kids, when our parents were kids and before our grandparents were even born. They are the same stars that will shine during our children's and grandchildren's lives. In 200 years no one will know who we were, but they will know the same stars that we once did.
What is a star than? A scientific explanation would be that a star is a massive, luminous ball of plasma held together by gravity. That explanation helps my understanding as little as a bag full of stones would help me if I climbed up a mountain. The closest star that we can see from Earth is the sun, but yet it feels so far away. Most stars are between 1 and 10 billion years old, and it is a topic that has been researched as far back as there are traces of life on Earth. People have used this research to create horoscopes, preach religion and as an element to predict the future. But it has also been used to create myths; I'm sure you have heard the expression "wish upon a falling star".
If you now think about that the youngest star is 1 billion years old... That means that the stars have been on the sky before there were even a sign of human trace on Earth. Many times we have felt that we don't have anything in common with people that lived 500 years ago.. Even today some of us mean that we don't have anything in common with people that live in another country or have a different culture than we do. But yes we do have something in common; we have the stars!
So go out one night, why not tonight, and look at the stars. They are the same stars that were there last week, last year, decade... The same stars from when we were kids, when our parents were kids and before our grandparents were even born. They are the same stars that will shine during our children's and grandchildren's lives. In 200 years no one will know who we were, but they will know the same stars that we once did.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
I saw her last night...
I saw her last night. The girl whose heart has been broken over and over again. She has built walls, built bridges, fallen, cried, laughed, loved, hated... Until that day when her fake smile could not be kept in place anymore, the same day when she stood in front of the mirror and saw a lost soul. A tear rolled, slowly, down her cheek and she whispered to herself with a low, shattered voice: "I can't do this anymore". She made up her mind that day that she was not going to pretend anymore. She went to school with a shattered expression in her face, because that is how she felt inside and the only brilliance that you could see in her eyes was the one made by the tears that were pressing up in her eyes but which she bravely forced back. She became a robot, stuck in her every day routines, and had no desire to be communicative. Her cellphone stopped ringing and her mailbox that had to be cleaned out daily before was empty now. People had given up on her and she had given up on people. The only comfort that she had was Fluffy, the bear, that has been her best friend since she was two years old...
I saw her last night. She was walking on the other side of the street with her head held low fighting back her tears. I could not help but to feel sorry for her because I know why she was sad; life got to her!
I saw her last night. She was walking on the other side of the street with her head held low fighting back her tears. I could not help but to feel sorry for her because I know why she was sad; life got to her!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Putting the skeletons back in the closet
All of us have an event, a memory from the past that regularly sneaks out and starts stalking us like a shadow. Maybe it is an old relationship that has gone wrong that comes back to haunt when you think about all the happy times that you have had with this person. Maybe it is something really painful, that you have been taken advantage of in any kind of way, that comes back to stalk you when you least want it to. Or maybe it is something that you yourself decided to leave behind even when it hurt, and it haunts you when you think back on your decision with the question "what if?".
It is very easy to think about all the good things that existed in a relationship; all the times you cuddled while watching a movie together, everytime you held hands in town and made all the people around you jealous or all the times you stayed up until 4 am just talking about anything that came to your minds. But when memories like this comes back to haunt you, remember that there is a reason why this person is not in your life today. Think about all the awful things that led your break up and... put the skeleton back in the closet!
If a terrible memory from your past comes back to stalk you and you feel that no matter how fast you run it always catches up with you. Turn around, stare this pain right into it's eyes, remind yourself about all the good things that you have in your life; family, friends, school, work.. whatever it is that makes you happy and... put the skeleton back in the closet!
"What if" are the two words that often cross people's minds. Have you ever decided to leave something or someone behind you even though it hurt? Maybe a boyfriend/girlfriend or a friend that you felt was always bringing you down and you turned your back, clenched your teeth together a walked away. But when you thought about them you always wondered what it would be like if you still were together or still were friends. Instead of remembering all the happy times, look back at all the actions that forced you to make that painful decision and... put the skeleton back in the closet!
Whenever and whatever comes back to haunt you, no matter if it's a lost love, change of work, painful memories or anything else that you have left behind and decided to never think about again... When these memories come back to make you doubt your decisions take a look at the past and remember why you decided to walk away and... PUT THE SKELETNS BACK IN THE CLOSET!
It is very easy to think about all the good things that existed in a relationship; all the times you cuddled while watching a movie together, everytime you held hands in town and made all the people around you jealous or all the times you stayed up until 4 am just talking about anything that came to your minds. But when memories like this comes back to haunt you, remember that there is a reason why this person is not in your life today. Think about all the awful things that led your break up and... put the skeleton back in the closet!
If a terrible memory from your past comes back to stalk you and you feel that no matter how fast you run it always catches up with you. Turn around, stare this pain right into it's eyes, remind yourself about all the good things that you have in your life; family, friends, school, work.. whatever it is that makes you happy and... put the skeleton back in the closet!
"What if" are the two words that often cross people's minds. Have you ever decided to leave something or someone behind you even though it hurt? Maybe a boyfriend/girlfriend or a friend that you felt was always bringing you down and you turned your back, clenched your teeth together a walked away. But when you thought about them you always wondered what it would be like if you still were together or still were friends. Instead of remembering all the happy times, look back at all the actions that forced you to make that painful decision and... put the skeleton back in the closet!
Whenever and whatever comes back to haunt you, no matter if it's a lost love, change of work, painful memories or anything else that you have left behind and decided to never think about again... When these memories come back to make you doubt your decisions take a look at the past and remember why you decided to walk away and... PUT THE SKELETNS BACK IN THE CLOSET!
Friday, August 28, 2009
The one who doesn't want to will find a reason, the one who wants to will find a way!
The last couple of days I have been thinking about people who have walked out of my life, and I am sure that this is a thing that everybody can relate to. I'm sure that you all have had friends that you have known forever and thought that nothing will ever be able to seperate you, and than got into a fight over an insignificant thing and went your seperate ways. The same thing has happened with relatives, colleagues, boyfriends, girlfriends.. or whoever has meant a lot to you and who you believed will always be by your side that has suddenly walked out of your life.
Many of you have, just like me, given up on people, closed your hearts to new acquaintances who wants to be a part of your life because the only thing you keep thinking about is "when will they leave?" I know that the pain after the people who left has sometimes been unbearable and that you have kept thinking that something must be wrong with you since so many people have decided to leave you. And I'm sure that most of you have come to a point when you have realized that there is no use letting people into your life because sooner or later everybody is going to hurt you, the only thing that you have to decide is who is going to be worth your pain! Right?
Wrooooooong!! Surely, many people have walked out of our lives but that is a natural process. Maybe we are supposed to spend a certain time of our lives with certain people and move on.. But I have come to a conclusion and I would like to illustrate it with an example. I have a friend, a best friend, who knows just about everything there is to know about me. This girl can read me like an open book, even when I try to hide my pain from her, and when I have to make a decision she knows what/who I'm gonna choose before I have figured it out myself. This friend is currently living far away from me, over 2000 km away, but even though I don't get to feel her physical presence she is there for me when things are good and when things are bad, she is still a part of my life even though we have to update eachother through mail, text messages and phonecalls. I am not going to mention her by name but I am sure she will recoginze herself when she reads this.. This friend has all reasons in the world to slowly walk out of my life (like many people have done before) but she is holding on to me now tighther then ever. So as you can probably understand; People who wants to leave us will find reasons to do it, but the people who truly care about us will find a way to stay in our lives!
To sum up I will state my point; The one who doesn't want to will find a reason, the one who wants to will find a way! And this is a general rule in life! Keep that in mind next time you hurt over something/someone!
Many of you have, just like me, given up on people, closed your hearts to new acquaintances who wants to be a part of your life because the only thing you keep thinking about is "when will they leave?" I know that the pain after the people who left has sometimes been unbearable and that you have kept thinking that something must be wrong with you since so many people have decided to leave you. And I'm sure that most of you have come to a point when you have realized that there is no use letting people into your life because sooner or later everybody is going to hurt you, the only thing that you have to decide is who is going to be worth your pain! Right?
Wrooooooong!! Surely, many people have walked out of our lives but that is a natural process. Maybe we are supposed to spend a certain time of our lives with certain people and move on.. But I have come to a conclusion and I would like to illustrate it with an example. I have a friend, a best friend, who knows just about everything there is to know about me. This girl can read me like an open book, even when I try to hide my pain from her, and when I have to make a decision she knows what/who I'm gonna choose before I have figured it out myself. This friend is currently living far away from me, over 2000 km away, but even though I don't get to feel her physical presence she is there for me when things are good and when things are bad, she is still a part of my life even though we have to update eachother through mail, text messages and phonecalls. I am not going to mention her by name but I am sure she will recoginze herself when she reads this.. This friend has all reasons in the world to slowly walk out of my life (like many people have done before) but she is holding on to me now tighther then ever. So as you can probably understand; People who wants to leave us will find reasons to do it, but the people who truly care about us will find a way to stay in our lives!
To sum up I will state my point; The one who doesn't want to will find a reason, the one who wants to will find a way! And this is a general rule in life! Keep that in mind next time you hurt over something/someone!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
